Christina

Oh,

Sweet sister, No!

You sparkled and you turned

And if memory it serves,

You were so funny!

We could laugh and it was over

Nothing.

That bastard darkness

Should have fled,

As easy as a bullet

Pulled from flesh.

If you, kind warrior

Couldn't fend the beast,

The Nothing,

What hope for those of us

You leave behind?

What hope have we?

Sweet sister?

No!

Driving Home

 Fragments in monochrome,
sparkles of darkness, highlights, 
each drop a frozen moment of madness - a 
windswept sparkle of space a cold belonging a 
beckoning of warmth and firelight inside each cabin of home in a droplet flung across the windshield
and wiped away

But not here,
not in this dashing noisy void;
In that place, that wild and thrashing storm,
that dizzying, blissful haven
As a drop of rain.

Save Us

Walk, you may.
Even ask us all on a special walk!
Sit on a feel-good council.
Tell us all that we should eat better and do yoga, 
And that we all are better off
With you on the council!
You even hung a paper on the wall
With a special phone number we can call
If we don't feel like we matter.
And then, as one at a time, we come to tell you that we need your help,
You say we are wrong. We don't know what real bullying feels like.
Maybe because we didn't feel it like you did?
Because nobody was ever bullied as hard as you were?
But you know what?
Your pain doesn't invalidate ours. Your bullying doesn't make ours not real.
And all the walks and posters and councils in the world won't save lives 
If the people we need to depend on
Don't believe us.

Hyde

 But, dare I miss thee, Demon?
Slither in and find me
Waiting, breathless,
torment
Aim, and fire!
Bereave me;
Leave! I need thee
Gone from me, tired
Wicked beastie, 
Mine, oh my own ether
Go.

Cemetery Tree

 Such is this sorrow
Blanketed like snowdrifts
Cold, Calm,
Soft and silent
Sobbing only in the dark

This fury rages
Deep beneath the mountain
Hot, Slow,
Melted stone itself
Waiting to explode

My grief, it dangles
Like so many crystal pieces
Bright, Light,
Barely there
Medicated all away

Not One More

They say our pets unlock the gates
Across the Rainbow Bridge.
The yips and purrs must just have been
Amazing as they readied things
For rainbows in the sky tonight!

Bridges of tremendous cannons
Exploding power and shining light:
Celebrating Independence from England 400 years ago,
And for you from a frame that denied who you are.

And as you fly on to your tomorrow,
all color fades here now tonight
and the soulless stillness is absolute.
The Bastards will lose their power.
The Hate must End.
Revolution is Today.
Because mowing down our Beauty
Does not make them strong.
Because taking our Warrior of Love
Can not give them peace
Because stealing our Summer
Will now make them Fall

Youngest martyr,
Sweetest soldier,
Our next move is for you.

The Kettle Talks Back

Had I been again
Un-fascinated,
And again forgot the sound
Of birdsong soft in muted mosses,
Hints of river chortles in the dawn?
Might a pall, a rigor
Overcome,
A thrall have been
Undone, just now
...and how?
And in this ashen air I heave,
a rushing, rash
Atomic spew:
A bitch's brew,
Karmaic stew of
Hormone, molecule, and that.
But all was still
And all is well inside
These walls of ice and charm
And dulcimer and dew.
A dash to not dash,
Ache but sleep not,
Wake, but wait not,
What? All ails rot
Into moonshine.
Ah, and linger dark thoughts
Diminish and demise
A drunken fool's rhyme!

Shrink

Demons writhe deep
In catacombs, in rotting
Scales and mottle, salient,
Sentient. And not.
Each rough breath, whistle,
Chortle, growl, ascends
Along their jagged route,
Tormenting wisps at ends
Reminding edges of their wits,
Reliving partly party to their
Fits of ranting, fits of sneaking,
Stealing bits of maybe joy.

And now, as mountain Morla lives,
Fresh breath a threat to dark and deep,
Each orc retreats, a caterwauling thing,
But sea's calm skein and sky's
Bright moon, and all the stars
Abounding in the beauty there!
Alms and arms enfolding, chemistry
Retraining, crystalize a blanket,
I can win this battle. Here,
Let's coax them out to play!

Comfort Food

Warm gratitude flows,
Mashed potato volcano walls undone,
My plate of love fills. I
Can't even eat, enjoy:
I want to carry, enfold you,
Keep you safe and say
In more than words (there are no words)
Your words, the way you made
My plate appeal,
Though not everyone wants
Volcano overflowed,
But instant mash and love
Is you and me,
And I am overwhelmed.
Overturned.
And hungry.

Some Say You May Fly

Oh, treasured mite!
That intervening, were I brave enough,
Could what accomplish? Safety?
First, a token. Thought's unraveling twist
Betrays our moment, tiny love; it's
Gone.

Through tears' mist I saw you after,
Hesitating, play. And brave, but
Damaged all the same!
What have I done, by just
Not doing?
Fearsome bitling, slay that crinkle!
Fang aloft, and howl for now,
defenses cornered have you
Locked.

Ah me, soft petal, had you a
Chance to learn, a time of
Understanding! Fain elected
By unknowing cuts and closure,
All apart they've rent us both:
My broken heart / your broken
Feet.

The Choice

I sighed; fear melted, 

Retreated far, to howl alone.

Because I owned what I would do:

My misery and blackness could not win, 

If I would take them in my arms, 

Embrace the dark, and go.

I was almost ready.

There were some loose ends

To tie up, and things to finish first.

But then, my end my own,

And I felt clean. Never more free.

I made a list.

Responsibilities, godparents,

Beneficiary. Impact I want to know and have,

And things to do before I'm gone.

I wandered: shivered under Drakul's gloom,

Lay atop Tikal's red stone. I climbed Zugspitz, 

Waded the Cays; I paused in Hiroshima, somber.

Danced Times Square on New Years' Day.

And I felt quick, the dark and fear receding,

Planned as I went on, the way 

I still would end the madness. 

I was almost ready, 

But I must grieve first, for a reason other than the dark.

And so, I gave hospice my heart and cried for losing

Bitten's toes, and then the list grew longer still.

I breathed the forests in, ran through a desert, 

Cursed at the moon, and sang again.

I made new friends, and tried the shrink, the meds

(What harm can come, this close to ending all?).

To see if there's a difference,

Then bigger goals, and more important 

Things, to do before I go.

I planned to act, and how, and when,

But every time, forgot just then.

I am almost ready,

The list, exciting now, a challenge,

Adds so many things to do

Before I go, but I can do them all,

Impact my field, make suffering end

For those I can affect, I'll fix the broken friends

And hold the bending. Write amazing words, 

Change minds, be heard by those in power!

I am almost ready, 

I will surely make my end,

After I change the world.

Love a Child

Tell them they are good at drawing dinosaurs.
Ask them, would they mind drawing a special dinosaur
For you? To keep?
Love that drawing.
Give them a simple, sincere
Thank you card.
"Dear you,
Thank you for my dinosaur. You are so talented.
I hope you never stop drawing."

So that someday,
When they are homeless,
Cold,
Muttering to imaginary Pete about the government,
And frenziedly re-counting a bundle of meager belongings,
That muttering will stop.
Fingers with layers of cracks and filth,
Will stop shaking to caress a grimy
Thank you card.
Eyes will soften.
Chapped lips mouth the words they have long memorized,
But forgotten how to read.
And your warmth will glow, like a little match girl,
And in that moment they will forget to be afraid
Because once a kind person told them
They were good at drawing dinosaurs.

Grumbles

Heavy-lidded, briefed for grieving,
Stand so strong, and
Trust that all is best.
"Please, help him!"
Please, I'm ready for
My tragedy.
The sobs are built.
Whispered farewells done,
Softly in the corner.
Ready for this grief.
And waiting.
Waiting.
Soon, my world will shatter,
Soon, this heart be broken,
Utter devastation, soon.
A stifled wail is ready to erupt.
And soon, the air is still and hot,
And horrible and stale.
And food is pasty.
Time is wasting.
Waiting, breathing,
Look at clocks and dedicate
A moment to the thought of passing,
Look: it's just one moment gone.
And waiting.
Grieving is no picnic,
Waiting. Even for this ending,
Waiting,
Cold, a shadow,
Waiting,
Even in the dawn.

Remote

I jumped.
I didn't understand
The fall would not consist
Of falling.
Space where pain was
Still exists,
Though someone warm waits,
Someone flies,
Someone, somewhere slowly dies and,
Mumbles, softly, bits of song,
So write the real words!
Write them! Long and angry, loud,
Or fuller than that storming,
Harder than that soaring, soring,
Storing war waged, sorrow stowed,
Leave them lonely, cold and empty.
Soar, defy that peak!
Defeat pressure rising beneath and
Pull! A jolt. A fling:
Simple aerodynamic thing.
And wait, and realize that
This won't be. This moment will not
Set me free of all my shackles:
Nor will any moment, any thing.
The wind lifts different
Somewhere else, but
Not as different as me.
I needn't earn it;
Just take peace. And rise.
Thoughts tumble as I realign, and
Re-examine. Re-design a space,
An open sky of ever on, but nothing comes
To open buckles, blame erase,
To take the nothing I embrace.

Analgesia

And as I struggled,
As I halted, medication's best surrender sated,
You and he you would have
Other situations hated. He,
You would have fought long since,
Allied, you stood. Beside
You gripped.
Lifted, carried me through,
That hand: I should remember you!
That shared pull, a single goal
A harnessed love,
Your strength, and You,
And all we ever should have
Been or done or said,
Or were,
But oh!
Blasted subconscious,
Neuron waste, a paltry gem,
A thieving arm of RNA erased
A haven known, a moment safe!
And some say mental ills are all a fake,
But even now, I cannot place
Your arms, your eyes,
Your warm embrace of calming hope,
Your sweetest voice, your heart,
Your face.

June's Song

How low?
To stoop, to bend, to fit into a
Mounded mold, to play a silly game,
To rend a beating hart in shards, to
Feast upon the venison and
Start to learn to
Live again?

How long?
To sit and wait and reinvent
A myriad reasons why a mountain
Went another year before deciding
Calm to blow, just smoke and
Twist a cap of
Cloud again?

How far?
To run in fear or run decided
Mile 13 hit stride, and sprint for
Finish line as I did. Fast delay the
Pain with medication, Bask
In massages and go to
Sleep again?

I know
I've been a sinner's side as you
She screamed, she wept, I flaunted
You, you kept her, held her, told her
I was just a flaw, imagined, rare
Embarrassing to note
And lied again.

Landing Dock

Cloud crosses, heavy,
Blackened underneath:
Too-long seared meat,
Mid trails of steaming sky
A ricochet of light cracks,
Bleeding out the bath,
And I've fallen to my side
At strike on Thor's behalf.
Watching man's face drawn,
Eyes wide - he gapes,
Ghost seen, perhaps?
Or just a tragically mishapped,
Un-finished bolt of
Would have,
Could have,
Should have been.
That missed its beating mark,
And left a flesh-shell whole,
Though smitten to the ground,
And rolled past.

Dawn Breaks in Moscow

And if I dream,
A life in other lives than this,
A glaring wit, a rage, a passing
Whistling by in leaves of ash and rot,
Or if I walk alone, or try, or cry,
or anything beyond the words
I dare to say in this, my time is
Otherwise well spent unless,
Like mist's cold fingers, Sandman's fry
Creep out of dreams into my life.
I shake my head, I doubt, I groan,
Resolve in betterment of duty go.
But dear, I've never til this moment known
The joyful peace of being home.

Awaken

Rusted rock, frames

School of thought and,

One who mocked once

Standing shocked as plunging down

To gore and grim, I'd fallen, 

Down to demon, Down and in. 

And on him, on those hands of harm lay

Spatters of regret and shame, and

To this day he stands a 

Little not the same.

But peering over settled dust,

I saw. I once had fallen

Up! He spoke. he held those

Spattered palms up, held them

Out as if they'd sun-bake dry

And stop, and stop me as I met my rusted

Rock and earth in downward flight, 

But time bore well her crown

And did not bow. I walked with her then.

Walked and saw where I had fallen

Long before.

Gateway

Scant few rebels met
A night of plunderous plans
Laid, drunk, and lay aside,
Inside another rebel's cave.
Revolting sect of enemy: an angered
Long-lost friend; memory denied, or
Faded more in some than most.
Led more by lust of unmet war or
New-discovered thrill of
Dishing garnished secrets out,
Perhaps a fancy, heart throb scorned,
Than of injustice, real or heard.

But we shall conquer, claim these
Ragged few, in shallow company
This night. Reason neither mind.
We shall stand or lie entwined,
Preserve the children, hide from
Truth or hint of change, but
Fight? Ah no, we hide curtains behind,
And sip our Absinthe. By and by,
We'll whisper ideals in the night,
While plotting next a fresh conquest
Of plotting body next to mine.