Monday, December 10, 2018

The Choice

I sighed; fear melted, 
Retreated far, to howl alone.
Because I owned what I would do:
My misery and blackness could not win, 
If I would take them in my arms, 
Embrace the dark, and go.
I was almost ready.
There were some loose ends
To tie up, and things to finish first.
But then, my end my own,
And I felt clean. Never more free.

I made a list.
Responsibilities, godparents,
Beneficiary. Impact I want to know and have,
And things to do before I'm gone.
I wandered: shivered under Drakul's gloom,
Lay atop Tikal's red stone. I climbed Zugspitz, 
Waded the Cays; I paused in Hiroshima, somber.
Danced Times Square on New Years' Day.
And I felt quick, the dark and fear receding,
Planned as I went on, the way 
I still would end the madness. 

I was almost ready, 
But I must grieve first, for a reason other than the dark.
And so, I gave hospice my heart and cried for losing
Bitten's toes, and then the list grew longer still.
I breathed the forests in, ran through a desert, 
Cursed at the moon, and sang again.
I made new friends, and tried the shrink, the meds
(What harm can come, this close to ending all?).
To see if there's a difference,
Then bigger goals, and more important 
Things, to do before I go.
I planned to act, and how, and when,
But every time, forgot just then.

I am almost ready,
The list, exciting now, a challenge,
Adds so many things to do
Before I go, but I can do them all,
Impact my field, make suffering end
For those I can affect, I'll fix the broken friends
And hold the bending. Write amazing words, 
Change minds, be heard by those in power!
I am almost ready, 
I will surely make my end,
After I change the world.