The Choice

I sighed; fear melted, 

Retreated far, to howl alone.

Because I owned what I would do:

My misery and blackness could not win, 

If I would take them in my arms, 

Embrace the dark, and go.

I was almost ready.

There were some loose ends

To tie up, and things to finish first.

But then, my end my own,

And I felt clean. Never more free.

I made a list.

Responsibilities, godparents,

Beneficiary. Impact I want to know and have,

And things to do before I'm gone.

I wandered: shivered under Drakul's gloom,

Lay atop Tikal's red stone. I climbed Zugspitz, 

Waded the Cays; I paused in Hiroshima, somber.

Danced Times Square on New Years' Day.

And I felt quick, the dark and fear receding,

Planned as I went on, the way 

I still would end the madness. 

I was almost ready, 

But I must grieve first, for a reason other than the dark.

And so, I gave hospice my heart and cried for losing

Bitten's toes, and then the list grew longer still.

I breathed the forests in, ran through a desert, 

Cursed at the moon, and sang again.

I made new friends, and tried the shrink, the meds

(What harm can come, this close to ending all?).

To see if there's a difference,

Then bigger goals, and more important 

Things, to do before I go.

I planned to act, and how, and when,

But every time, forgot just then.

I am almost ready,

The list, exciting now, a challenge,

Adds so many things to do

Before I go, but I can do them all,

Impact my field, make suffering end

For those I can affect, I'll fix the broken friends

And hold the bending. Write amazing words, 

Change minds, be heard by those in power!

I am almost ready, 

I will surely make my end,

After I change the world.

Love a Child

Tell them they are good at drawing dinosaurs.
Ask them, would they mind drawing a special dinosaur
For you? To keep?
Love that drawing.
Give them a simple, sincere
Thank you card.
"Dear you,
Thank you for my dinosaur. You are so talented.
I hope you never stop drawing."

So that someday,
When they are homeless,
Cold,
Muttering to imaginary Pete about the government,
And frenziedly re-counting a bundle of meager belongings,
That muttering will stop.
Fingers with layers of cracks and filth,
Will stop shaking to caress a grimy
Thank you card.
Eyes will soften.
Chapped lips mouth the words they have long memorized,
But forgotten how to read.
And your warmth will glow, like a little match girl,
And in that moment they will forget to be afraid
Because once a kind person told them
They were good at drawing dinosaurs.

Grumbles

Heavy-lidded, briefed for grieving,
Stand so strong, and
Trust that all is best.
"Please, help him!"
Please, I'm ready for
My tragedy.
The sobs are built.
Whispered farewells done,
Softly in the corner.
Ready for this grief.
And waiting.
Waiting.
Soon, my world will shatter,
Soon, this heart be broken,
Utter devastation, soon.
A stifled wail is ready to erupt.
And soon, the air is still and hot,
And horrible and stale.
And food is pasty.
Time is wasting.
Waiting, breathing,
Look at clocks and dedicate
A moment to the thought of passing,
Look: it's just one moment gone.
And waiting.
Grieving is no picnic,
Waiting. Even for this ending,
Waiting,
Cold, a shadow,
Waiting,
Even in the dawn.

Remote

I jumped.
I didn't understand
The fall would not consist
Of falling.
Space where pain was
Still exists,
Though someone warm waits,
Someone flies,
Someone, somewhere slowly dies and,
Mumbles, softly, bits of song,
So write the real words!
Write them! Long and angry, loud,
Or fuller than that storming,
Harder than that soaring, soring,
Storing war waged, sorrow stowed,
Leave them lonely, cold and empty.
Soar, defy that peak!
Defeat pressure rising beneath and
Pull! A jolt. A fling:
Simple aerodynamic thing.
And wait, and realize that
This won't be. This moment will not
Set me free of all my shackles:
Nor will any moment, any thing.
The wind lifts different
Somewhere else, but
Not as different as me.
I needn't earn it;
Just take peace. And rise.
Thoughts tumble as I realign, and
Re-examine. Re-design a space,
An open sky of ever on, but nothing comes
To open buckles, blame erase,
To take the nothing I embrace.

Analgesia

And as I struggled,
As I halted, medication's best surrender sated,
You and he you would have
Other situations hated. He,
You would have fought long since,
Allied, you stood. Beside
You gripped.
Lifted, carried me through,
That hand: I should remember you!
That shared pull, a single goal
A harnessed love,
Your strength, and You,
And all we ever should have
Been or done or said,
Or were,
But oh!
Blasted subconscious,
Neuron waste, a paltry gem,
A thieving arm of RNA erased
A haven known, a moment safe!
And some say mental ills are all a fake,
But even now, I cannot place
Your arms, your eyes,
Your warm embrace of calming hope,
Your sweetest voice, your heart,
Your face.