Tiptoe Through the Wilderness

Stable is different than happy.
Stable is struggle and not giving in

To darkness that swirls and growls around;

A daily excuse we delude as enough

As though there's a rim to this pit that we climb

Never ending this feat, tightest grip!

Stable is different than happy.

Hell's doors locked sinister, snapping and slapping

Don't deny that I've see it,

A dream? Nightmare in a beautiful dress.

That sweet summer day I try to remember

A soft sun, a cool breeze, a moment of peace;

Something that well people get.

Stable is different than happy.

Stable is taking the meds.

Stable is speaking out words that sound normal

Stable is touching a world that is cold and 

Smiling while facing the brink of extinction.

Stable is not losing yet.

Stable can't imagine happy long.

Can't see past this moment of misery,

No finally; no rest.

Stable burns, cry quietly.

Happy lies it might come yet.

Stable knows there is no end.

If only silence was a choice.

Episode

 I see her now again.
She roils, she grumbles:
Threatens.
Sinking, whirling depth of cold!
I shudder.
Time has been so good apart, she's been so far, 
So fair this weather, fine.

Bal-rog's bellow, hiccough-hiss and
Soul-fled, faint, that shrunken ache to shrivel life 
Through paltry corpse.
She beckons.
I daren't disobey. I know this darkness far too well.
I daren't walk away.
But oh, the light has been so kind!

Lost in the Woods

Beyond the walls of Tintagel, 

The air, the rain

Spur on thy horse

Lean, give head the rein.

Fly! As though a thousand demons

Flank thee, legion wolves 

Assail. Specks of sleet slap

Wetly cheeks and breast both

Chilling bones and flesh.

Good steed heaves, falters,

A hoof can bear so much only.

Dismount and lead, still quickly 

In the dark and dim. How to home 

Beating foot to sodden ground while

Heart in ribs caged, bounding.

What will become of this?

Why Would They Listen to a Woman?

 She said I hurt 
They said lose weight
She said I want tests
They said you're looking for drugs
She said my hair is falling out
They said go home and stop bothering us
She said I just passed a one inch kidney stone.
Here it is- I measured it. Help me!
They said take one ibuprofen and eat better
She said I can't breathe
They said well it isn't the plague so here is one round of antibiotics
Try to find your own oxygen during a pandemic
Now Go Away
And quietly she stopped breathing
And went
Away

Haunted

 I woke up in the grass.
So empty
Should have been terrified. 

Don't remember how I came to be there.
I woke up in a van. 
So cold
Unlocked on the roadside, snow on the ground.
Alone in the quiet and still.

I woke up looking at a face
I haven't seen in ages
Woke up aching, grief the only sinking thing
What other feelings?

I woke out of a fog, a trance
Some drawn out, dragging
Doomed dance of sleep and non, but never
Woke like when I weep.

Commute

Screaming through the night

Headlights - I think

The sound, the flash

I wasn't focused.

Should have been.

This car won't drive itself, will it?

Where have I been? 

Most of the way home, and

Until some adrenaline junkie flew by at ten thousand miles per hour

I was... somewhere. 

There's a space between "A game" and dinner

A lag in space-time

A strange encounter with ourselves

Our souls might belong here...

I don't know...

I can't remember

Everyone Deserves a Best Friend

When I bake that recipe
Nutmeg fills the kitchen, warm and safe
I miss her

I pretended to myself so many times 

that it was just a matter of time. 

She would find a doctor who listened. 

A better job. A better place to live, 

Where she could finally have a cat.

And it was sometimes so hard to pretend 

Past the sadness

When the Macy's Day Parade sparkles

Dancers spin, balloons fly and 

The tree is tall in Rockefeller Square

I feel the chill and I miss her

I wanted so much to make things better

But how can you fix what someone won't let you?

Why won't best friends let you?

And then suddenly there won't be another chance

To try to help fix the things that aren't right for her.

Someone gives me attitude about putting on their mask

Someone coughs too close

And I swallow hard 

And no words

Will express the depth of how 

Terribly much 

I miss her

Smoke

Busy, 

Move and fret and frazzle

So many things to worry

Try, oh try!

I miss them!

What could we have done?

No turning back,

Pile task 

On list, on pile,

Through haze of - is this tears?

Or time, 

Meanwhile, 

Tread water though I might,

London's burning, burning bright.

Christina

Oh,

Sweet sister, No!

You sparkled and you turned

And if memory it serves,

You were so funny!

We could laugh and it was over

Nothing.

That bastard darkness

Should have fled,

As easy as a bullet

Pulled from flesh.

If you, kind warrior

Couldn't fend the beast,

The Nothing,

What hope for those of us

You leave behind?

What hope have we?

Sweet sister?

No!

Driving Home

 Fragments in monochrome,
sparkles of darkness, highlights, 
each drop a frozen moment of madness - a 
windswept sparkle of space a cold belonging a 
beckoning of warmth and firelight inside each cabin of home in a droplet flung across the windshield
and wiped away

But not here,
not in this dashing noisy void;
In that place, that wild and thrashing storm,
that dizzying, blissful haven
As a drop of rain.

Save Us

Walk, you may.
Even ask us all on a special walk!
Sit on a feel-good council.
Tell us all that we should eat better and do yoga, 
And that we all are better off
With you on the council!
You even hung a paper on the wall
With a special phone number we can call
If we don't feel like we matter.
And then, as one at a time, we come to tell you that we need your help,
You say we are wrong. We don't know what real bullying feels like.
Maybe because we didn't feel it like you did?
Because nobody was ever bullied as hard as you were?
But you know what?
Your pain doesn't invalidate ours. Your bullying doesn't make ours not real.
And all the walks and posters and councils in the world won't save lives 
If the people we need to depend on
Don't believe us.

Hyde

 But, dare I miss thee, Demon?
Slither in and find me
Waiting, breathless,
torment
Aim, and fire!
Bereave me;
Leave! I need thee
Gone from me, tired
Wicked beastie, 
Mine, oh my own ether
Go.

Cemetery Tree

 Such is this sorrow
Blanketed like snowdrifts
Cold, Calm,
Soft and silent
Sobbing only in the dark

This fury rages
Deep beneath the mountain
Hot, Slow,
Melted stone itself
Waiting to explode

My grief, it dangles
Like so many crystal pieces
Bright, Light,
Barely there
Medicated all away

Not One More

They say our pets unlock the gates
Across the Rainbow Bridge.
The yips and purrs must just have been
Amazing as they readied things
For rainbows in the sky tonight!

Bridges of tremendous cannons
Exploding power and shining light:
Celebrating Independence from England 400 years ago,
And for you from a frame that denied who you are.

And as you fly on to your tomorrow,
all color fades here now tonight
and the soulless stillness is absolute.
The Bastards will lose their power.
The Hate must End.
Revolution is Today.
Because mowing down our Beauty
Does not make them strong.
Because taking our Warrior of Love
Can not give them peace
Because stealing our Summer
Will now make them Fall

Youngest martyr,
Sweetest soldier,
Our next move is for you.

The Kettle Talks Back

Had I been again
Un-fascinated,
And again forgot the sound
Of birdsong soft in muted mosses,
Hints of river chortles in the dawn?
Might a pall, a rigor
Overcome,
A thrall have been
Undone, just now
...and how?
And in this ashen air I heave,
a rushing, rash
Atomic spew:
A bitch's brew,
Karmaic stew of
Hormone, molecule, and that.
But all was still
And all is well inside
These walls of ice and charm
And dulcimer and dew.
A dash to not dash,
Ache but sleep not,
Wake, but wait not,
What? All ails rot
Into moonshine.
Ah, and linger dark thoughts
Diminish and demise
A drunken fool's rhyme!

Shrink

Demons writhe deep
In catacombs, in rotting
Scales and mottle, salient,
Sentient. And not.
Each rough breath, whistle,
Chortle, growl, ascends
Along their jagged route,
Tormenting wisps at ends
Reminding edges of their wits,
Reliving partly party to their
Fits of ranting, fits of sneaking,
Stealing bits of maybe joy.

And now, as mountain Morla lives,
Fresh breath a threat to dark and deep,
Each orc retreats, a caterwauling thing,
But sea's calm skein and sky's
Bright moon, and all the stars
Abounding in the beauty there!
Alms and arms enfolding, chemistry
Retraining, crystalize a blanket,
I can win this battle. Here,
Let's coax them out to play!

Comfort Food

Warm gratitude flows,
Mashed potato volcano walls undone,
My plate of love fills. I
Can't even eat, enjoy:
I want to carry, enfold you,
Keep you safe and say
In more than words (there are no words)
Your words, the way you made
My plate appeal,
Though not everyone wants
Volcano overflowed,
But instant mash and love
Is you and me,
And I am overwhelmed.
Overturned.
And hungry.

Some Say You May Fly

Oh, treasured mite!
That intervening, were I brave enough,
Could what accomplish? Safety?
First, a token. Thought's unraveling twist
Betrays our moment, tiny love; it's
Gone.

Through tears' mist I saw you after,
Hesitating, play. And brave, but
Damaged all the same!
What have I done, by just
Not doing?
Fearsome bitling, slay that crinkle!
Fang aloft, and howl for now,
defenses cornered have you
Locked.

Ah me, soft petal, had you a
Chance to learn, a time of
Understanding! Fain elected
By unknowing cuts and closure,
All apart they've rent us both:
My broken heart / your broken
Feet.

The Choice

I sighed; fear melted, 

Retreated far, to howl alone.

Because I owned what I would do:

My misery and blackness could not win, 

If I would take them in my arms, 

Embrace the dark, and go.

I was almost ready.

There were some loose ends

To tie up, and things to finish first.

But then, my end my own,

And I felt clean. Never more free.

I made a list.

Responsibilities, godparents,

Beneficiary. Impact I want to know and have,

And things to do before I'm gone.

I wandered: shivered under Drakul's gloom,

Lay atop Tikal's red stone. I climbed Zugspitz, 

Waded the Cays; I paused in Hiroshima, somber.

Danced Times Square on New Years' Day.

And I felt quick, the dark and fear receding,

Planned as I went on, the way 

I still would end the madness. 

I was almost ready, 

But I must grieve first, for a reason other than the dark.

And so, I gave hospice my heart and cried for losing

Bitten's toes, and then the list grew longer still.

I breathed the forests in, ran through a desert, 

Cursed at the moon, and sang again.

I made new friends, and tried the shrink, the meds

(What harm can come, this close to ending all?).

To see if there's a difference,

Then bigger goals, and more important 

Things, to do before I go.

I planned to act, and how, and when,

But every time, forgot just then.

I am almost ready,

The list, exciting now, a challenge,

Adds so many things to do

Before I go, but I can do them all,

Impact my field, make suffering end

For those I can affect, I'll fix the broken friends

And hold the bending. Write amazing words, 

Change minds, be heard by those in power!

I am almost ready, 

I will surely make my end,

After I change the world.

Love a Child

Tell them they are good at drawing dinosaurs.
Ask them, would they mind drawing a special dinosaur
For you? To keep?
Love that drawing.
Give them a simple, sincere
Thank you card.
"Dear you,
Thank you for my dinosaur. You are so talented.
I hope you never stop drawing."

So that someday,
When they are homeless,
Cold,
Muttering to imaginary Pete about the government,
And frenziedly re-counting a bundle of meager belongings,
That muttering will stop.
Fingers with layers of cracks and filth,
Will stop shaking to caress a grimy
Thank you card.
Eyes will soften.
Chapped lips mouth the words they have long memorized,
But forgotten how to read.
And your warmth will glow, like a little match girl,
And in that moment they will forget to be afraid
Because once a kind person told them
They were good at drawing dinosaurs.