Stay Out!---------------------------------------------------------------------------Come In!
This is my world.--------------------------------------------------------This is my world.
Unless you want to add to it constructively/You show me love and I reciprocate.
Unless you can improve the way it is,----------Make yourself at home, my friend.
Stay Out!---------------------------------------------------------------------------Come In!
I don't need your bitterness here;--------------------Rest your weary feet and soul.
Leave it outside or don't come in.----------------------You are a breath of fresh air.
I mean you no harm,-----------------------------------------------I mean you no harm;
Why should you bring me down?-------------------Thank you for lifting my spirit.
This is my heart.---------------------------------------------------Welcome to my heart.
Stay Out!---------------------------------------------------------------------------Come In!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Pulchritude
Daggers on a hand
Twisted, gnarled:
A cluster of oak fingers
pluck a stalk of bluebells
Fire-breath inhales sweet, pure fragrance.
Golden eyes widen,
erase creases, folds of scaly lids,
to view the beauty of blue tinkling jewels.
Unfamiliar sound.
He turns from misty meadow,
peace invaded.
Young hunter,
Pale blue sight intruded on by shaggy blond,
But lightness fades to hating gray.
Beautiful face contorts with rage,
meets one of bent curiosity
which falls.
A shaft from courageous explorer,
creature slain.
Youth shouts at victory!
Shares a tale of bravery, cunning,
and evil overcome,
while he who dwelt alone, so dies.
A patch of bluebells laid his head,
so soft, to bleed,
because he was not like the man.
Twisted, gnarled:
A cluster of oak fingers
pluck a stalk of bluebells
Fire-breath inhales sweet, pure fragrance.
Golden eyes widen,
erase creases, folds of scaly lids,
to view the beauty of blue tinkling jewels.
Unfamiliar sound.
He turns from misty meadow,
peace invaded.
Young hunter,
Pale blue sight intruded on by shaggy blond,
But lightness fades to hating gray.
Beautiful face contorts with rage,
meets one of bent curiosity
which falls.
A shaft from courageous explorer,
creature slain.
Youth shouts at victory!
Shares a tale of bravery, cunning,
and evil overcome,
while he who dwelt alone, so dies.
A patch of bluebells laid his head,
so soft, to bleed,
because he was not like the man.
Insomniatic
It’s funny how, when I’ve got the whole day empty and no plans, that sleep demands me. It grabs me and drags me in – nothing I try can stop it. It becomes a necessity. A drug. A blissful escape.
On the flip side, when I have limited time and know that I have to wake up in, say, five and a half hours, sleep becomes the elusive wisp of a thread of something I can only imagine, as though it were never real at all.
And then I dream. I’m angry. Powerful. Someone wants to hurt me, or hurt someone I love, and I lash out. I conquer, am victorious. And then I cry, every time.
I wish I could be a part of someone else. Not just to understand them, but to experience them, what is really is to live what they live and know what they know. Then maybe I would find whether or not I’m truly as much a freak as I seem to me.
And then I think about pain. Am I strong? Or so weak that I crumble at a touch? I can’t say, because my only measurements are vague and subjective. I’ve never had surgery or a broken bone, so I can’t compare to other people. I don’t know if or when I’m allowed to cry. So I don’t cry. Not when anyone can see me. I only cry in quiet, in the dark alone, or in my dreams. I used to tell myself that I would let myself cry as soon as I had a shoulder to cry on. So now when I have someone, I cry in the dark that I’m afraid to let him see my weaknesses. I’m embarrassed to show I’m afraid. Does he know? I quiver. Please don’t let him see me like this. Please don’t let him know I am made of anything but steel.
About beauty: how does one judge true beauty? Isn’t one’s opinion of “appealing” a subjective thing? Then can one really find “true beauty”? Is there such a thing? What are its components? Does one take into consideration the colors, tones, and shades? What about subject matter? What about medium? Can the grandeur of an alpine view be beautiful, but not a pile of bugs in the mud? What if they are pretty bugs? Am I a pretty bug?
If I want to do something great, but don’t know where to begin, is there someone who can tell me? Could they maybe observe me for a while, and then say, okay, you need to knuckle down and take underwater basket-weaving lessons, because that will make you successful and happy?
Wouldn’t it be nice to be a bird. You could fly, sing, and live off eating trash. Plus people would randomly throw food at you to watch you eat it. Yeah, I could probably handle being a bird.
Hello! HELLO!! Is there anyone THERE?!? HelLO!
Do I scream of nothing? For nothing? By nothing? Do I lie alone?
On the flip side, when I have limited time and know that I have to wake up in, say, five and a half hours, sleep becomes the elusive wisp of a thread of something I can only imagine, as though it were never real at all.
And then I dream. I’m angry. Powerful. Someone wants to hurt me, or hurt someone I love, and I lash out. I conquer, am victorious. And then I cry, every time.
I wish I could be a part of someone else. Not just to understand them, but to experience them, what is really is to live what they live and know what they know. Then maybe I would find whether or not I’m truly as much a freak as I seem to me.
And then I think about pain. Am I strong? Or so weak that I crumble at a touch? I can’t say, because my only measurements are vague and subjective. I’ve never had surgery or a broken bone, so I can’t compare to other people. I don’t know if or when I’m allowed to cry. So I don’t cry. Not when anyone can see me. I only cry in quiet, in the dark alone, or in my dreams. I used to tell myself that I would let myself cry as soon as I had a shoulder to cry on. So now when I have someone, I cry in the dark that I’m afraid to let him see my weaknesses. I’m embarrassed to show I’m afraid. Does he know? I quiver. Please don’t let him see me like this. Please don’t let him know I am made of anything but steel.
About beauty: how does one judge true beauty? Isn’t one’s opinion of “appealing” a subjective thing? Then can one really find “true beauty”? Is there such a thing? What are its components? Does one take into consideration the colors, tones, and shades? What about subject matter? What about medium? Can the grandeur of an alpine view be beautiful, but not a pile of bugs in the mud? What if they are pretty bugs? Am I a pretty bug?
If I want to do something great, but don’t know where to begin, is there someone who can tell me? Could they maybe observe me for a while, and then say, okay, you need to knuckle down and take underwater basket-weaving lessons, because that will make you successful and happy?
Wouldn’t it be nice to be a bird. You could fly, sing, and live off eating trash. Plus people would randomly throw food at you to watch you eat it. Yeah, I could probably handle being a bird.
Hello! HELLO!! Is there anyone THERE?!? HelLO!
Do I scream of nothing? For nothing? By nothing? Do I lie alone?
Problem
I suppose that, whatever the expectation, if not met exactly, it becomes disappointed, rather the bearers of said expectation are disappointed. So they wanted a mathematical genius and I was an artist. Not that I can’t do math – I made a frikkin’ theorem and found a math error in the ACT… but I had a hard time knuckling down to study, so there are Bs and even B minuses on the record. That means that, despite my sports letters and choir, theater, yearbook awards, and college scholarship, I am a disappointment. I went to the wrong church too. Not instead of: as well as. Meaning, in addition to all morning Sunday, an hour each weekday before school, plus an extra hour and a half on Wednesday nights at their church, I went to a 40 minute service at a friend’s church Sunday nights. So that was a problem. I was a problem.
I couldn’t come to terms with being a problem until I realized how hard it is to change the expectations I have of other people. I want someone to think of me a certain way: react to my goofball antics a certain way. When that doesn’t happen, I’ve failed again. When they don’t do what I want, it’s my fault again. It would be nice if I hadn’t been conditioned to take the blame. Then I wonder if I wouldn’t rather dislike myself than other people. This way, if they like me, it’s a bonus (not that I don’t question their judgement or wait for the other shoe to drop). If they don’t like me, obviously I’ve disappointed them too.
Will I ever not disappoint myself? I doubt it. Now I’ll always try to do better, try to meet expectations. And people wonder why I can’t sleep – if they think of me at all. I’m terrified that I will do something, anything, wrong and then nobody will want me. Not that I believe people really do want me. They say something nice, and I smile and wonder what it is they really want, whether I can provide it, and how much they’ll hate me if I can’t. Is everyone as conniving as I’m afraid they are? Heartless predators: cold-blooded killers, bent on twisting the world to fit their whims? To see that their needs are fed as the day draws to a close?
Sunsets are beautiful, and sunsets over the ocean more so – but they always make me sad. Maybe because of so many unsaid goodbyes, and the farewell to each day reminds me of the farewells I missed. I always felt the most alive out in the evening ocean breeze – the most aware of people around me. I wish I’d been aware of myself, and my own frenzied needs – I was too afraid of judgement to risk sharing the beauty of the night, the beauty of sharing a moment when the sun kisses the horizon goodnight.
I couldn’t come to terms with being a problem until I realized how hard it is to change the expectations I have of other people. I want someone to think of me a certain way: react to my goofball antics a certain way. When that doesn’t happen, I’ve failed again. When they don’t do what I want, it’s my fault again. It would be nice if I hadn’t been conditioned to take the blame. Then I wonder if I wouldn’t rather dislike myself than other people. This way, if they like me, it’s a bonus (not that I don’t question their judgement or wait for the other shoe to drop). If they don’t like me, obviously I’ve disappointed them too.
Will I ever not disappoint myself? I doubt it. Now I’ll always try to do better, try to meet expectations. And people wonder why I can’t sleep – if they think of me at all. I’m terrified that I will do something, anything, wrong and then nobody will want me. Not that I believe people really do want me. They say something nice, and I smile and wonder what it is they really want, whether I can provide it, and how much they’ll hate me if I can’t. Is everyone as conniving as I’m afraid they are? Heartless predators: cold-blooded killers, bent on twisting the world to fit their whims? To see that their needs are fed as the day draws to a close?
Sunsets are beautiful, and sunsets over the ocean more so – but they always make me sad. Maybe because of so many unsaid goodbyes, and the farewell to each day reminds me of the farewells I missed. I always felt the most alive out in the evening ocean breeze – the most aware of people around me. I wish I’d been aware of myself, and my own frenzied needs – I was too afraid of judgement to risk sharing the beauty of the night, the beauty of sharing a moment when the sun kisses the horizon goodnight.
My Glass Half Full
Your eyes drew me in
Spun around
Showed me magic left in the world
You see
Sunlight gold and silver sea
Birds in flight, shades of green
Your world. So exciting!
So perfect
To me
I saw in your eyes
Allowing, inviting, amused
A different adventure
A charming, moving melody
Danced through our shadows of past.
You saw me too.
And then my life
Spun around
Magic and shine in your eyes
In your arms. Your thoughts. Your heart.
Within your love
Our love
I am home
Safe. With you.
Spun around
Showed me magic left in the world
You see
Sunlight gold and silver sea
Birds in flight, shades of green
Your world. So exciting!
So perfect
To me
I saw in your eyes
Allowing, inviting, amused
A different adventure
A charming, moving melody
Danced through our shadows of past.
You saw me too.
And then my life
Spun around
Magic and shine in your eyes
In your arms. Your thoughts. Your heart.
Within your love
Our love
I am home
Safe. With you.
Worth Fighting
worth fighting
for a price
hope anything
of sacrifice
if I’m afraid
of past
turn a page
at last
what shame
in my
fool’s game
to die
for a price
hope anything
of sacrifice
if I’m afraid
of past
turn a page
at last
what shame
in my
fool’s game
to die
Genealogy
part of you is me
to my shame
if thy right hand offend thee
my right hand offend me.
do I cut? do I flee?
let part of your sickness
end up my disease?
end up me?
to my shame
if thy right hand offend thee
my right hand offend me.
do I cut? do I flee?
let part of your sickness
end up my disease?
end up me?
Ramble
fallen abuser abusing this loser not asking if I didn’t mind
can’t give a reason retaining much ease or defecting to this way behind
ever emotional given explosives I don’t give or I’ll give away
taking each chance as a literal dance it won’t give up the grief’s come to stay
not without glamor or even a stammer or maybe a promise of high
wouldn’t be real if it hadn’t appeal or if something was different outside
can’t give a reason retaining much ease or defecting to this way behind
ever emotional given explosives I don’t give or I’ll give away
taking each chance as a literal dance it won’t give up the grief’s come to stay
not without glamor or even a stammer or maybe a promise of high
wouldn’t be real if it hadn’t appeal or if something was different outside
Change
hey hey
isn’t that just right? that i’m stuck as I
That it wouldn’t be much specialer if I had gone to waste
they say
live today like today. don’t look at me that way
and if i think then I must be some other time and place
couldn’t I change that?
Couldn’t I make that
go away?
Couldn’t I be
It’s not that easy,
Couldn’t I be
isn’t that just right? that i’m stuck as I
That it wouldn’t be much specialer if I had gone to waste
they say
live today like today. don’t look at me that way
and if i think then I must be some other time and place
couldn’t I change that?
Couldn’t I make that
go away?
Couldn’t I be
It’s not that easy,
Couldn’t I be
A Meeting
Stomp click whirl
Stomp click slide
This is how you meet her
Now you will decide
Spin step tap
Spin step slide
See him looking at you
Let him see your smile
Tap kick twist
Tap kick slide
Now you’re getting closer
Play this out in your mind
Twirl clap shout
Twirl clap slide
Breathless, turn to meet him
He’s right by your side
Laugh bend dip
Laugh bend slide
Hold each other close
Dance into the night
Stomp click slide
This is how you meet her
Now you will decide
Spin step tap
Spin step slide
See him looking at you
Let him see your smile
Tap kick twist
Tap kick slide
Now you’re getting closer
Play this out in your mind
Twirl clap shout
Twirl clap slide
Breathless, turn to meet him
He’s right by your side
Laugh bend dip
Laugh bend slide
Hold each other close
Dance into the night
Gentle End
Wonder if I crossed your mind tonight before your body hit the bed
Did you wish I was with you; were you glad to be alone
I’m only in the other room, but am I in your head
I want to be there with you, how could you not have known
I wish I knew what changed that made me less a part of you
When you think of me you love me; that I do not doubt
When we are in the same place I see the love in you
It’s when you’re by yourself again a bright light goes out
You don’t have to be alone, I don’t have to be afraid
Did you even notice, did you care I wasn’t there
I’d never turn you down; I can’t turn you away
I want to be a part of you; you have to know I care
Why ever avoid me the way that you do
Are you wondering if I’m thinking of you
Did you wish I was with you; were you glad to be alone
I’m only in the other room, but am I in your head
I want to be there with you, how could you not have known
I wish I knew what changed that made me less a part of you
When you think of me you love me; that I do not doubt
When we are in the same place I see the love in you
It’s when you’re by yourself again a bright light goes out
You don’t have to be alone, I don’t have to be afraid
Did you even notice, did you care I wasn’t there
I’d never turn you down; I can’t turn you away
I want to be a part of you; you have to know I care
Why ever avoid me the way that you do
Are you wondering if I’m thinking of you
Something Happen!
something happen!
somebody say it’s today
wake up, hear the rain
drift - focus away
plan last week
float along
ache in my body
pain in my head
no sense in feeling
how lucky the dead
or do they too beg
something, happen!
open a door, a window, a way
wake up - feel more pain
would I comply
re-die
only to not have to wait
somebody say it’s today
wake up, hear the rain
drift - focus away
plan last week
float along
ache in my body
pain in my head
no sense in feeling
how lucky the dead
or do they too beg
something, happen!
open a door, a window, a way
wake up - feel more pain
would I comply
re-die
only to not have to wait
Toddler at the Piano
stroke the ivory
softly, so softly
jar
clang
where is the twinkling
trilling melody
bong
no! fluid crystal, lilting tone
have you gone?
stroke the ivory
so, so softly
nothing is better than noise
softly, so softly
jar
clang
where is the twinkling
trilling melody
bong
no! fluid crystal, lilting tone
have you gone?
stroke the ivory
so, so softly
nothing is better than noise
captain, my captain
look down your nose
strike a pose
I suppose you epitomize
it all
your call is law
your lie we believe
our fears and dreams
you crush and we
cheer
leer. hate love us all and we
hide from you
die for you
here
strike a pose
I suppose you epitomize
it all
your call is law
your lie we believe
our fears and dreams
you crush and we
cheer
leer. hate love us all and we
hide from you
die for you
here
Tremble
dark clutching pull
no! I can’t!
heart frozen a moment
choke - let me go!
flail my mind
outside I’m still
tremble, chill
I can’t function
I can’t sleep
is anyone afraid like me?
no! I can’t!
heart frozen a moment
choke - let me go!
flail my mind
outside I’m still
tremble, chill
I can’t function
I can’t sleep
is anyone afraid like me?
Flippancy
do people know it every time
they tear holes in someone else’s soul?
do they feel the pain they’ve made
by flippant comments, raging torrents
watched another’s face digest contempt?
can they see what it did fifty years ahead
the missing smiles, the tears in bed
moments of peace twisted by
echoes of something they probably
forgot they ever said?
they tear holes in someone else’s soul?
do they feel the pain they’ve made
by flippant comments, raging torrents
watched another’s face digest contempt?
can they see what it did fifty years ahead
the missing smiles, the tears in bed
moments of peace twisted by
echoes of something they probably
forgot they ever said?
hope
animals, we
like animals, crawl.
fight for freedom
fight them all
kick the bucket
kick a wall
don’t lose sight of
after all.
like animals, crawl.
fight for freedom
fight them all
kick the bucket
kick a wall
don’t lose sight of
after all.
shame
to end up guilt-free
work hard all your life
offset the damage
you’re sure to do
by living.
how much is enough?
only everything.
your part is your all
never falter
when you fall,
you’ll have almost done enough
to make up for taking
the space in this world
for all your time.
work hard all your life
offset the damage
you’re sure to do
by living.
how much is enough?
only everything.
your part is your all
never falter
when you fall,
you’ll have almost done enough
to make up for taking
the space in this world
for all your time.
inheritance
finally
I can say what I need to say
I can stand
if you can’t hurt those I care about
why should I fear your spears?
you have no power when you can’t destroy
so I have the power now
to stand
someday to backstab like you
someday to reap the whirlwind
but now, to begin, for today
I’ll stand.
I can say what I need to say
I can stand
if you can’t hurt those I care about
why should I fear your spears?
you have no power when you can’t destroy
so I have the power now
to stand
someday to backstab like you
someday to reap the whirlwind
but now, to begin, for today
I’ll stand.
Drive By
when I told you that I loved you
I didn’t tell a lie
When I whisper that I need you
please believe me, I mean to
I’d pine if I could cry
I’m missing something
Missing me
-
missing the stop on the side of the road flying by in the window the light streams behind
This is the part I should fight so I run so I try so I’m somewhere inside the invention I find in the light beams alive
-
what twisted mind am I behind
I didn’t want to lie
what situation followed me
believe me, I hate me
I’d run if I could hide
I’m losing something
Losing me
-
lost in the rain of the spiraling game run around block the pain it’ll only drag you down on the sideline the mud flashing high as a seagull I fly in the sky in the wind in the joyous escape from this place
-
when I ask you to protect me
just know it’s a plea
When I ask you to guide me
believe in my need
I’d change if I could find
I’m fading somewhere
Fading see
-
fading to sleep dream a dream in the night I’d awake in the beautiful morning of pain
to believe I’m alive again try again mend the broken kisses kiss the broken faces sorry please I didn’t mean a thing
-
dream this lie
don’t fall, fly
soar in amazement
effortless, glad
they cannot hurt what
they’ve never had.
I didn’t tell a lie
When I whisper that I need you
please believe me, I mean to
I’d pine if I could cry
I’m missing something
Missing me
-
missing the stop on the side of the road flying by in the window the light streams behind
This is the part I should fight so I run so I try so I’m somewhere inside the invention I find in the light beams alive
-
what twisted mind am I behind
I didn’t want to lie
what situation followed me
believe me, I hate me
I’d run if I could hide
I’m losing something
Losing me
-
lost in the rain of the spiraling game run around block the pain it’ll only drag you down on the sideline the mud flashing high as a seagull I fly in the sky in the wind in the joyous escape from this place
-
when I ask you to protect me
just know it’s a plea
When I ask you to guide me
believe in my need
I’d change if I could find
I’m fading somewhere
Fading see
-
fading to sleep dream a dream in the night I’d awake in the beautiful morning of pain
to believe I’m alive again try again mend the broken kisses kiss the broken faces sorry please I didn’t mean a thing
-
dream this lie
don’t fall, fly
soar in amazement
effortless, glad
they cannot hurt what
they’ve never had.
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