Leaky Roof

When hard work isn't enough,
Walls fall,
Patience fades
And you keep trying, fail
I see you cry,
Stand by,
Can't seem to share your pain.
And then it rains.

Feels Like Forever

So hard now, to wake up
To learn how far I've fallen
Be brave again
Where was my mind?
I found it, but now, you're
Still in there somehow
Tucked away.
Now you're far,
And it's gone
Far too late.

Betrayal

Trapped
In a world of stars
Split moment of sun, dark home
Clutch air, bitter tears
Heart given freely,
Taken away
Web of lies,
No matter the fight
Lost
In framework of function
All I want to be - at once
Nothing!
Destitute, shadows twisting
curling feathers in
This lonely waste
Of me,
for me,
pain instituted by me
Benedictine.

Inside

i am not rich i might be quick and i do not appreciate
All the things you do for me you always give i always take
And i forget that i forgave you as i'm piling on the blame
Oh the shame, it doesn't faze me in the joy is i'm insane

I could tell you that you're stupid or you're crazy or a loser
I could say it really fast and then you wouldn't understand
I could go on really muddled and you'd worship me forever
And you wouldn't know i fake it all how do you fancy me

There's a time for being normal there's a time to be real smart
And i do not know what time that is i'm falling all apart
Cause my seams aren't all together and i'm just not what i seem
And i won't give up crying blood or ever learn from memories

Blah blah blah so i'll make up some more lyrics
Throw out lots of theory data lots of dirty words
And maybe they'll make sense to you they don't make sense to me
They're afflicted like a virus always some new strange disease

So i ate that rotten peanut and i died and went to heaven
And that old aunt suzie's boat ya know it didn't meet me there
Pixies float around my brain and they keep giving me this dream
Tomorrow may be my last day that's not quite real to me

Eternity Beckons

See the way?
Life laid out
Map of ever, follow on!
Hobble, contain frailty -
Eternity beckons.
Surmount all pain,
Sweat, bleed, fall, try!
Hampered by humanity
Sullied by misery
Push on, pass by!
Refresh, regain, revise,
Re-try.

Reunite

Sparks fly
Ignite the flame
Passion burns
Then dies again

Two souls
Alone, but then
Lovers kiss,
And try again

Years away
A gentle end
A soft embrace
Holding hands

Angel in the Morning

Sleeping,
Touch your face
As you're sleeping
I'm awake.
Tracing
Lines of laughter.
Kiss you softly
As you dream
Tell you everything's ok
As you sleep
I creep away.

Jealousy

Stings again
Jealous sword,
But a memory's
Just the past!
Not the here, nor the now
Not a threat!
Better? Different, yet
Comparing pales in moments
Almost bliss.
Promise greater love than he?
Not this! Not now, nor ever.
Better? Lies of liking.
Baggage in retro,
Finding home.

Amazing

Why misery?
You're brilliant, deserving,
Amazing.
I smile for you:
Be strong!
Smile too!
You're wonderful, caring,
Amazing.
I cry for you
more than you do.
Dry my eyes!
You're wonderful, here,
And you're mine.
Why lonely?
Believe me,
Meet my eyes:
You're amazing.

Don't

Broken
One more time
Why come here, to tear?
To touch with burning?
Can I see you, and not melt?
Not flame and wilt
Again?
Don't come here
to break,
One more time.
Does my breaking make you strong?
Don't come here.
Unless you mean to stay.
Please don't.

Soapbox

Can't shut my mouth!
Don't care if I'm speaking
Only to myself.
Authority means
Protecting precious, shiny things
From the likes of me.
Don't let me touch them,
But let me be!
Judge me
Condemn
If you don't want to hear my words -
No one makes you listen!
Hate me,
But let me speak!

Mr. Big Thing

Be a really pretty good girl, be a bratty whining whore, girl
Be what I want you don't be what you want, girl
Don't be a freak out throw a conniption fit
Just stay my angel, stay my little prissy bitch
So you don't like this me the way I say this
How do you expect that I should take this bullshit?

Throw me another bone, a riddle from your big throne
Give me one more damn direction, tell me who and what and how to function
Mr. High and sweet and mighty Mister big thing your mental power's tiny

Be a really smart girl, be a supergenius servant girl
Do what I say you don't know what you want, girl
Don't have a habit, don't, cause you can't commit to
Don't dare to breathe you don't have what I'm into
So you don't want the me the way I do this
How do you explain why you hold me to your bullshit

Give me another chance another time to show you what I have
How about some more instruction, so I know who I am and how to function
Mr. kiss my boots and kiss my ass, yeah Mr. Big Thing, I'm all for that

So break me down slowly and then you build me up to something
To a model of designer freak I'm pretty I don't say a thing
Why not get yourself a nice inflatable toy
You demented, abusive, pathetic little boy
Why not tear down something not real to begin with
Why not get some mental help instead of living in this bullshit

Moment of Regret

Well,
I'm waiting
It's all over, isn't it?
I'm done with, gone.
You don't need me now,
Okay.
I never needed you anyway.
Or loved you
When I swore,
I lied.
And when you left,
No! I cried!
I had to say some things...
But I didn't mean it.
Like I don't mean this.
This blood isn't mine. Never touched that blade.
Never could be perfect, that just wasn't me
And I'm finally starting to see
That it wasn't you either.
And I made a mistake
When I cut
on my wrist
But now it's too late.
Only,
Wait...

Migration

We will go
Wherever you blow us,
We will roam
Empty and homeless,
We will live
Every second life gives us to know!
We are the restless, the wanderers
On our free roam.

Night, and the wind's blowing
Hard, and the rain's falling
Fast as I lift my face
Drops dripping every place
Bright, and the moon's shedding
Light on us all running
Ever around and which way
To escape the confusion and
When the clouds cover, and
When fog rolls over, I
Can't see a thing!
Fear is all consuming
Help us please, blow us free!
Terror surrounds us, whip us faster
to flee, don't you care?

So What?!?

Doesn't matter
No one cares
Yell it to the sky-
So what?!?
It's raining
dark, wind blowing
Lights out
You're crying
I'm going,
but we've still got a while to pretend
and to play
Sky's falling, mom's calling.
So what?!?

One More Day

One more waking
Wash, dress, go!
Doing all the things I do
Work, play, grieve, say
what I need to say to help along
Goodbye.
One more sleeping
Nestle in, read
Shiver, tell myself about
the pick ups, fall downs
All that happens in between
Waiting.
Evening and morning and midnight and noon
Can't concentrate on what's going on
As I dilly and dally and fritter my time
Waste, maybe, just, maybe just one more day.
Waiting. And waiting.
For you.

Rage of the Opressed

Cowards! You let this happen - you let this be!
Turn, and submit, and shrink from threat of pain -
What is pain?
Do you not feel it, know it in your bones already?
If we die, it ends.
If we fight, if we FIGHT, it ends!
By our own choice, we can live like rats or like humans.
Slaves, or heroes.
I'll stay no slave!
Not me!

This is what happens

A tiny soul
in a tiny space,
with a little nose and tongue and smile
appears
to stay a while.
And his little eyes dance
And he needs you - for a while
And he stretches and grows
And eats his dinner
Or not
And he loves without saying he does
And he learns
To keep clean or not
To be kind or not
and to love - and to say it or not
And his eyes dance
And he plays
And he naps
And eats his dinner or not
And fears
And shines
And doesn't need you - after a while
And he keeps clean or not
And is kind or not
And he sees the world his
Way and you see it
Yours - and he loves you
and says it or not.

False Touch

Ever searching for meaning, direction:
A book, a song, a lie!
Deeply feel, weep aloud, change your life, be
Inspired, be
raped and cleansed and defiled
by the story. Let it wash you
free and make you strong!
While all the small things,
silly, weak, daily things,
inconsequential real things
leave them lay, let them be
Push them to the background, violently!
Reach instead for the faraway, the hero, the Saint,
Who will love me and won't try to change me,
not the stranger who might need me.
Throw out your sentiment! Abandon your mind! Love is for fools!
And the very wise.

Things

I miss what
I hated
Cry when
It's gone
For things I wanted
and have
For things I wanted
and don't
Cry
for my
Almost life,
if maybe,
I was stronger,
Could have been.
Cry

Perfect

Perfection's what we wanted
Worked for, earned, and got
and I played the harp softly;
your watercolors turned out lovely;
we had a perfect life to live
to love and fear and rot.
Where is the passion in perfect?
It's missing the joy of expense!
Painting, lay by, Harp sit quietly!
We've got to get out, get work done
Get away!
Perfection's what we wanted,
Not knowing what it was
And then we end up stuck as
Living who we're not!

I can't choose your battle

You let it go!
It doesn't matter, you said,
It's just a small thing, he made a mistake
And how does it hurt me to turn away
Instead of staying to fight?
It's a better way to handle things.

I know, but you were right!
You were right and he was wrong!
Doesn't it gall you? You're so calm!
I'm angry, and bitter, and nurse the hurt along.
Why not stay and prove your place,
let him be the one to leave broken, shame-faced?
Can you really have the kind of strength
To leave, and let it go, and really move on?
And let him believe he's right, with you wrong?

Take it Back!

I think I won the fight -
I hurt him!
I saw him cry. My witty words
brought him down.
My head held high, I glance
My head held high, I see
I think I shamed my pride -
I wronged him!
I brought him pain. Those stupid words,
Undeserved,
brought him down.

Daze

A lifetime passes in these moments
as the world flows by,
and I wait.
For purpose, for reason, for someone to hold:
For a light to find my way.
Life passes in the minutes on a bus
bouncing slightly with the motion
As I stare
At the driver, the street signs,
The children that cry:
At the ridges on the floor.
I lose it in the seconds between shows
as commercials play
And I doze
Without dreaming, or caring, or thinking of things
To do when I'm awake.
Life flies by and flees
And I lose precious time when I forget
To notice the taste of the air I inhale.

He Still Loves You

He aches for you
He sees your face in mine
My laughter is your voice to him.
What happens if you snap
your fingers
And back he runs to you?
He worships you
Cries your name in sleep
My lips and arms and all besides
Does he imagine you
In my place?
He pauses when you're spoken of
Plays angry, but I see through
And hold on, oh so fearfully
To his secondhand heart he gave to you.

A Cruel Joke

Eat, live, and breathe
The fire of life.

Love it.

Die.

Shards on asphalt

Glimmering, glowing, shining waste!
Lethal force deprives of strength,
Slices; shatters spread around.
Tears adorn this once-glad face,
As a half-full glass worth's
water seeps into the ground

Ashes & Dust

Ashes & Dust
We are ashes & dust
Dust from the same bowl
Cut from the same mold
It's the same wind that blows
The same wind that throws
Us wherever we go

You land in the sun,
I, in shade,
I am cold, and you're warm
But my colors won't fade
and that's just for today.

Next morning I may catch
Fire and dance in the flame
As you fall to earth
miss the burn and the blaze,
But you'd be the one to remain

Some of the flakes fall together
Some snow drifts alone for a time
Why? And which flake am I?
I could reach out to you
but what good would that do?
If we all end soon - so soon!

And it's enough to drive one mad,
To lift my head in pride/crawl in shame
It's the same silly game
Being human.
I'm just human
Ashes and dust I see
And such I shall be

Ashes and dust
We are cold and rust
Doomed at beginning, we live but to end
The glory, jest, and riddle
Aye, the glory, jest, and riddle once again!

Room 101

Cold, cold
Waters swirl, surround me
Dark and deep.
Salty sea, it pounds me
Frozen in fright
All the darkest night
of my life
Ending now, as my grip
on the wreckage slips,
Finds me sinking,
Drifting down
into the mouth
of the Deep.

Sacrifice

Brave men aren't afraid to die
But if I fear death
Am I more human
Or less?
Should saving someone I don't know
Be greater
Than living to bless, in small ways
The lives of many I love?
Am I foolish to those
Who would give their lives for right
If I long to live?
Or wise?

Swings

"Push me higher, Daddy!"
I touch the sky with my toes
Fall back
Push
With his strong hands
I fly on the chained seat
Fall back
Push
"Higher!"

In Juliet's Boudoir

Ever art thou in my mind;
Parting's such sweet sorrow.
Shall we meet again, my love,
Today, tonight, tomorrow?
Should the love I bear thee
Ever fail to thrill me,
Or the love thou has for me
Should quit, the hurt would surely kill me!
Ever art thou in my heart;
Love, in my bosom, burns.
Darling, when we are apart,
For thee, my soul, it yearns!
'Tis sad to note I am alone
And have not thou with me.
I would that thou and I were one
And I at one with thee.

Rose

The rose
Once lived
Glistened with drops of crystal
Glowed with life
Then the rose,
wilted, dying
Brown, curling petals,
Softened thorns
Now the rose
dry and aging
Crackles at the lightest touch
Means the world to me
Means a memory of innocence
And a night I swirled
Across the floor
Dancing

Storm Break

For one moment
In the storm,
Clouds drifted apart
And the sun burst through!
Then the rain fell harder, deeper.
Day grew dark, turned into night
Thunder rumbled, threatened blackness.
Yet the thought remained
In my hidden soul
How for just one moment, in the storm
Shadows flew,
The sun's bright ray
Found me
And I found myself
Bathed in the light.

Duality

I versus She
She holds me back/I slumber
but sometimes
BAM!
In all my glory
I echo forth:
You cannot erase me, you
Cannot silence me forever!

More Haiku

This one pair of shoes
represents a world of past
Don't throw them away.

Ever so softly
Lightly tripping, dancing on,
The flames grow higher.

Dust and ashes, we
Lost among the rubble stones,
Finally humbled.

Laugh and play! Stay young!
If I could offer shelter
from the world, I would.

Clean and white paper
I write, I scribble it out.
The paper is soiled.

Right Again

I'm tired of being right all the time.
I knew that you would hurt me
I knew that you would lie
And someday you'd desert me.

It's not easy being right all the time.
If I had a magic wish, I would
Change my intuition, and be wrong:
Think I was strong
And believe you when you tell me that you love me.

I don't like being right all the time.
I knew that one day we'd say
our final goodbye, but I'm not ready.
I don't want to be right this time.

Be a Man!

Hey!
Did I make you?
Did I dip you in the mess you found?
Count to ten, or a million.
Hit me, or hit nothing;
I feel it the same, in your rage.
Be a man, or be human.
Be strong and brutal,
Or strong and in control.
Hit me or hit nothing.
Hit me and leave again.

Hey!
Is it better now?
Did tearing the world make it new?
Take a step back, or a million.
Hurt me, or hurt nothing;
You're not going to change, not today.
Be a man, or be human.
Be wise and critical,
Or wise and carefully kind.
Hurt me or hurt nothing.
Hurt me and leave again.

Sweet Madness

Beyond all this
Are we too angry? Independent?
What's the world if it isn't failing?
Falling apart down twisted
Circling
I'm learning from the madness how
Just to be mad enough
to keep it burning
Keep on hurting
Beyond this universe is a will
do I want there to be?
Then there's a Way
A way to be, to know to end this farce:
everlastingness, dischordant harmony.
In all this madness,
is there really room for me?

Winter Eve

Spin
Whirl around
Lazy snowflakes
Drifting down
settling and calming
Dim yellow sky
Glow and warmth inside
the world knows peace
if just one night
All serene
this once chaotic scene
as frozen kisses softly dance
And fill my world with wonder
at a glance.

Haiku

Falling on the green
Of budding leaves in springtime
Hear the gentle rain

An arrow of light
meets a falcon, soaring high
Softly now, he falls

Drip. A dewdrop falls.
The air is heavy with mist
Scented with lilac

My Regret

I had a dream
I saw you there
You wanted me
I loved you then
I had that dream
It wasn't real
I've been so cruel
You can't love me
I had a dream
It made me see
I'm sorry I hurt you -
Should not have been mean
I had a dream
And now i'm ashamed
I ask your forgiveness
Because of the dream

In An Age of Wonder

Rich satin air
Slips over my skin
Lightly brushes
How is it your hands
Calloused, strong
Recall to me dusk wind
Gently flowing, softly blowing
Feather touch of desert
In falling night?

At the Edge

Clench
eyes, claws, all
Whipping tidal storm expands
Flying grasses, garbage, I
Heave through sandy sky
Blown back and sideways in
Bedraggling, bewildering white cold rage
Rip my raucous call away then
Plummet into ground
Entanglements of sea snake
Tangle, strangle, wings at bay
Snap tendrils of weed, and break them
Half-bury in driftwood shards
Remnants of fragility and feathers
Screams of arctic air embrace
Quicken, drive,
and spin away.

Dissolution

Click
The latch drops quiet
No tumult. Done.
Softly, now, an ending.
The way to that life, that door.
Closed.
An end to showy, shimmering
End of chapter, verse, and song
Ended – gone.
Fire, burned to embers, burned to ash.
Family that was
Hope – dashed.
Put to past that life. Door
Closed.
No more clamoring of boisterous, busy, boys
No more of what was.
No more.
Click
The latch drops quiet
Softly in the heartache, damns as it falls
Honeysuckle sweet the lack/Harder than maul
But the window…
Oh! The window!
Gently released
Wide.
Open.

Willow Road

Winding road
Stretches, lonely
Among thick briery thorns.
Glimpses of light send shocks of pain
Until I see tiny flowers
Hidden in the rough

Meadow wanders
Bright and beige
Hot sun begs cool shade
Then gentle fingers brush
Summer breezes by
Ripple rustling grasses
Into the sky

Rocky streambed
Trips and trickles
Stony, rough, and cold
Then rays pierce the gloom
Sunbeam glistens twinkle
on tiny crystal drops of mirrors
Willows bend over gentle banks
and seem to cry.

Spencerian Quatrameter Sonnet Pair

A rose, they say, would smell as sweet
If called a thistle or a thorn
A dewdrop, if 'twere called a beet
Would still, it seems, sweeten each morn.
A name, then, is of no import
And changes not a creature's worth.
Yet, be it bold, or bright, or short,
A name gives one a place on earth.
A rose would smell as sweet, 'tis true,
But 'twould no longer be a rose.
In similie, the morning dew
Would glisten, yet with different pose.
O, how a name gives life to things,
And such sweet harmony it brings

Where is the hope of faith forgot?
Where sleeps the charity of men?
Why do the weak remember not
That love will give them strength again?
The happiness of bygone years
Has faded with our modern ways.
Now pain, and loneliness, and tears
Become the norm, in these sad days.
Awake, o knight! Arouse thy steed!
And man and charger sally forth
To shake the bitterness and greed
That have so plagued our ravaged earth!
And so, with valor, win the day,
And chase despair and loss away!

Stay Out / Come In

Stay Out!---------------------------------------------------------------------------Come In!
This is my world.--------------------------------------------------------This is my world.
Unless you want to add to it constructively/You show me love and I reciprocate.
Unless you can improve the way it is,----------Make yourself at home, my friend.
Stay Out!---------------------------------------------------------------------------Come In!
I don't need your bitterness here;--------------------Rest your weary feet and soul.
Leave it outside or don't come in.----------------------You are a breath of fresh air.
I mean you no harm,-----------------------------------------------I mean you no harm;
Why should you bring me down?-------------------Thank you for lifting my spirit.
This is my heart.---------------------------------------------------Welcome to my heart.
Stay Out!---------------------------------------------------------------------------Come In!

Pulchritude

Daggers on a hand
Twisted, gnarled:
A cluster of oak fingers
pluck a stalk of bluebells
Fire-breath inhales sweet, pure fragrance.
Golden eyes widen,
erase creases, folds of scaly lids,
to view the beauty of blue tinkling jewels.
Unfamiliar sound.
He turns from misty meadow,
peace invaded.
Young hunter,
Pale blue sight intruded on by shaggy blond,
But lightness fades to hating gray.
Beautiful face contorts with rage,
meets one of bent curiosity
which falls.
A shaft from courageous explorer,
creature slain.
Youth shouts at victory!
Shares a tale of bravery, cunning,
and evil overcome,
while he who dwelt alone, so dies.
A patch of bluebells laid his head,
so soft, to bleed,
because he was not like the man.

Insomniatic

It’s funny how, when I’ve got the whole day empty and no plans, that sleep demands me. It grabs me and drags me in – nothing I try can stop it. It becomes a necessity. A drug. A blissful escape.
On the flip side, when I have limited time and know that I have to wake up in, say, five and a half hours, sleep becomes the elusive wisp of a thread of something I can only imagine, as though it were never real at all.
And then I dream. I’m angry. Powerful. Someone wants to hurt me, or hurt someone I love, and I lash out. I conquer, am victorious. And then I cry, every time.


I wish I could be a part of someone else. Not just to understand them, but to experience them, what is really is to live what they live and know what they know. Then maybe I would find whether or not I’m truly as much a freak as I seem to me.

And then I think about pain. Am I strong? Or so weak that I crumble at a touch? I can’t say, because my only measurements are vague and subjective. I’ve never had surgery or a broken bone, so I can’t compare to other people. I don’t know if or when I’m allowed to cry. So I don’t cry. Not when anyone can see me. I only cry in quiet, in the dark alone, or in my dreams. I used to tell myself that I would let myself cry as soon as I had a shoulder to cry on. So now when I have someone, I cry in the dark that I’m afraid to let him see my weaknesses. I’m embarrassed to show I’m afraid. Does he know? I quiver. Please don’t let him see me like this. Please don’t let him know I am made of anything but steel.

About beauty: how does one judge true beauty? Isn’t one’s opinion of “appealing” a subjective thing? Then can one really find “true beauty”? Is there such a thing? What are its components? Does one take into consideration the colors, tones, and shades? What about subject matter? What about medium? Can the grandeur of an alpine view be beautiful, but not a pile of bugs in the mud? What if they are pretty bugs? Am I a pretty bug?

If I want to do something great, but don’t know where to begin, is there someone who can tell me? Could they maybe observe me for a while, and then say, okay, you need to knuckle down and take underwater basket-weaving lessons, because that will make you successful and happy?

Wouldn’t it be nice to be a bird. You could fly, sing, and live off eating trash. Plus people would randomly throw food at you to watch you eat it. Yeah, I could probably handle being a bird.

Hello! HELLO!! Is there anyone THERE?!? HelLO!

Do I scream of nothing? For nothing? By nothing? Do I lie alone?

Problem

I suppose that, whatever the expectation, if not met exactly, it becomes disappointed, rather the bearers of said expectation are disappointed. So they wanted a mathematical genius and I was an artist. Not that I can’t do math – I made a frikkin’ theorem and found a math error in the ACT… but I had a hard time knuckling down to study, so there are Bs and even B minuses on the record. That means that, despite my sports letters and choir, theater, yearbook awards, and college scholarship, I am a disappointment. I went to the wrong church too. Not instead of: as well as. Meaning, in addition to all morning Sunday, an hour each weekday before school, plus an extra hour and a half on Wednesday nights at their church, I went to a 40 minute service at a friend’s church Sunday nights. So that was a problem. I was a problem.
I couldn’t come to terms with being a problem until I realized how hard it is to change the expectations I have of other people. I want someone to think of me a certain way: react to my goofball antics a certain way. When that doesn’t happen, I’ve failed again. When they don’t do what I want, it’s my fault again. It would be nice if I hadn’t been conditioned to take the blame. Then I wonder if I wouldn’t rather dislike myself than other people. This way, if they like me, it’s a bonus (not that I don’t question their judgement or wait for the other shoe to drop). If they don’t like me, obviously I’ve disappointed them too.
Will I ever not disappoint myself? I doubt it. Now I’ll always try to do better, try to meet expectations. And people wonder why I can’t sleep – if they think of me at all. I’m terrified that I will do something, anything, wrong and then nobody will want me. Not that I believe people really do want me. They say something nice, and I smile and wonder what it is they really want, whether I can provide it, and how much they’ll hate me if I can’t. Is everyone as conniving as I’m afraid they are? Heartless predators: cold-blooded killers, bent on twisting the world to fit their whims? To see that their needs are fed as the day draws to a close?
Sunsets are beautiful, and sunsets over the ocean more so – but they always make me sad. Maybe because of so many unsaid goodbyes, and the farewell to each day reminds me of the farewells I missed. I always felt the most alive out in the evening ocean breeze – the most aware of people around me. I wish I’d been aware of myself, and my own frenzied needs – I was too afraid of judgement to risk sharing the beauty of the night, the beauty of sharing a moment when the sun kisses the horizon goodnight.

My Glass Half Full

Your eyes drew me in
Spun around
Showed me magic left in the world
You see
Sunlight gold and silver sea
Birds in flight, shades of green
Your world. So exciting!
So perfect
To me

I saw in your eyes
Allowing, inviting, amused
A different adventure
A charming, moving melody
Danced through our shadows of past.
You saw me too.

And then my life
Spun around
Magic and shine in your eyes
In your arms. Your thoughts. Your heart.
Within your love
Our love
I am home
Safe. With you.

Worth Fighting

worth fighting
for a price
hope anything
of sacrifice
if I’m afraid
of past
turn a page
at last
what shame
in my
fool’s game
to die

Genealogy

part of you is me
to my shame
if thy right hand offend thee
my right hand offend me.
do I cut? do I flee?
let part of your sickness
end up my disease?
end up me?

Ramble

fallen abuser abusing this loser not asking if I didn’t mind
can’t give a reason retaining much ease or defecting to this way behind
ever emotional given explosives I don’t give or I’ll give away
taking each chance as a literal dance it won’t give up the grief’s come to stay
not without glamor or even a stammer or maybe a promise of high
wouldn’t be real if it hadn’t appeal or if something was different outside

Change

hey hey
isn’t that just right? that i’m stuck as I
That it wouldn’t be much specialer if I had gone to waste
they say
live today like today. don’t look at me that way
and if i think then I must be some other time and place
couldn’t I change that?
Couldn’t I make that
go away?
Couldn’t I be
It’s not that easy,
Couldn’t I be

A Meeting

Stomp click whirl
Stomp click slide
This is how you meet her
Now you will decide
Spin step tap
Spin step slide
See him looking at you
Let him see your smile
Tap kick twist
Tap kick slide
Now you’re getting closer
Play this out in your mind
Twirl clap shout
Twirl clap slide
Breathless, turn to meet him
He’s right by your side
Laugh bend dip
Laugh bend slide
Hold each other close
Dance into the night

Gentle End

Wonder if I crossed your mind tonight before your body hit the bed
Did you wish I was with you; were you glad to be alone
I’m only in the other room, but am I in your head
I want to be there with you, how could you not have known
I wish I knew what changed that made me less a part of you
When you think of me you love me; that I do not doubt
When we are in the same place I see the love in you
It’s when you’re by yourself again a bright light goes out
You don’t have to be alone, I don’t have to be afraid
Did you even notice, did you care I wasn’t there
I’d never turn you down; I can’t turn you away
I want to be a part of you; you have to know I care
Why ever avoid me the way that you do
Are you wondering if I’m thinking of you

Something Happen!

something happen!
somebody say it’s today
wake up, hear the rain
drift - focus away
plan last week
float along
ache in my body
pain in my head
no sense in feeling
how lucky the dead
or do they too beg
something, happen!
open a door, a window, a way
wake up - feel more pain
would I comply
re-die
only to not have to wait

Toddler at the Piano

stroke the ivory
softly, so softly
jar
clang
where is the twinkling
trilling melody
bong
no! fluid crystal, lilting tone
have you gone?
stroke the ivory
so, so softly
nothing is better than noise

captain, my captain

look down your nose
strike a pose
I suppose you epitomize
it all
your call is law
your lie we believe
our fears and dreams
you crush and we
cheer
leer. hate love us all and we
hide from you
die for you
here

Tremble

dark clutching pull
no! I can’t!
heart frozen a moment
choke - let me go!
flail my mind
outside I’m still
tremble, chill
I can’t function
I can’t sleep
is anyone afraid like me?

Flippancy

do people know it every time
they tear holes in someone else’s soul?
do they feel the pain they’ve made
by flippant comments, raging torrents
watched another’s face digest contempt?
can they see what it did fifty years ahead
the missing smiles, the tears in bed
moments of peace twisted by
echoes of something they probably
forgot they ever said?

hope

animals, we
like animals, crawl.
fight for freedom
fight them all
kick the bucket
kick a wall
don’t lose sight of
after all.

shame

to end up guilt-free
work hard all your life
offset the damage
you’re sure to do
by living.
how much is enough?
only everything.
your part is your all
never falter
when you fall,
you’ll have almost done enough
to make up for taking
the space in this world
for all your time.

inheritance

finally
I can say what I need to say
I can stand
if you can’t hurt those I care about
why should I fear your spears?
you have no power when you can’t destroy
so I have the power now
to stand
someday to backstab like you
someday to reap the whirlwind
but now, to begin, for today
I’ll stand.

Drive By

when I told you that I loved you
I didn’t tell a lie
When I whisper that I need you
please believe me, I mean to
I’d pine if I could cry
I’m missing something
Missing me
-
missing the stop on the side of the road flying by in the window the light streams behind
This is the part I should fight so I run so I try so I’m somewhere inside the invention I find in the light beams alive
-
what twisted mind am I behind
I didn’t want to lie
what situation followed me
believe me, I hate me
I’d run if I could hide
I’m losing something
Losing me
-
lost in the rain of the spiraling game run around block the pain it’ll only drag you down on the sideline the mud flashing high as a seagull I fly in the sky in the wind in the joyous escape from this place
-
when I ask you to protect me
just know it’s a plea
When I ask you to guide me
believe in my need
I’d change if I could find
I’m fading somewhere
Fading see
-
fading to sleep dream a dream in the night I’d awake in the beautiful morning of pain
to believe I’m alive again try again mend the broken kisses kiss the broken faces sorry please I didn’t mean a thing
-
dream this lie
don’t fall, fly
soar in amazement
effortless, glad
they cannot hurt what
they’ve never had.

The Sea's an Old Gentleman

if only, if only, oh ever I could
give unto what education it should
missing completeness, alonely beside
count every beat to the stroke of a tide
foam into nothingness, form into all
given the breath to dismember its thrall
holding apart no despicable space
fold into crustiness this gentle face

Equus

Thunder surround us, fly hurricane by
Maelstrom of dust shadows winging alive
Pegasus? call me, oh what flight was here?
Anything, wondering, flashing eyes rear
Flint paws of timpani, egregious beat
Tumbling beneath thee, all graciously fleet
Heaves and exhultion, brawn lighter than foam
Tendonous snaps, springs sport eiderdown roan
Flaring so sparkly, thy screeches of fire
Dare one; despair of irascible ire
Expansion, extension in veritous race
Effervescence a-pounding, a Seir of silk lace
Joyfully terrible, freshest of least
Thou laughing, intangible, glorious Beast!

Found

Sweet stinging need to find
Your fingers laced in mine and I
Look up at the sky in awe, and breathe!
Breathe.
I scamper like a child
Your eyes twinkle and you smile and i
Look around and see the trees and breathe!
Breathe.
You reminded me I used to see the life inside the greenery
The waving wind and water in the edges of the sea
Feel the wind and know it’s good, excitement in the rain
Clear is lovely, cloudy’s warm, and in your arms I’m safe.
My heart’s path lies just through my eyes,
And you’ve opened mine to you.
I can’t imagine now, to be
Just I alone. I belong to ‘we’.

Endure

Not alone. Thoughts
Surround me. Contend. Confound
Minor upsets compound and I sink
Despite chinks of sun-rays and their shine
Mid the whirls, explanations and I’m
Lost. Spun. Found
Not alone, only bound
Vowed to indifference, shackled to bored
Grieving for passion, a semblance of solace, for rage
But I won’t be ignored by this
Can’t succumb to this. Heigh ho, Silver, away!
It was dead and embalmed and forgotten a love
Doomed from ‘do’. By fate? Maybe cruel
Dare I question?
Hell burned. Flamed and flawed.
Froze in time and slid icily by
Away, and done.
Shall I question?
Exhume broken promise, despondence to thrive
Remotely human, benignly alive? But I quail
Much too many a sore
Ache not to re-bore. Bathe
This sarcophagus brightly again
Find it empty and wanting as always
Like the days I cried. Not alone. Thoughts

Legacy of Mab

Dreaming I’m free
Dream, and I am.
Lonely, I’m flying
Strange sort of Superman

Alone in the bleakness
Afraid of the dark
Lonely for someone
I’ll tear him apart

Would you like to join me
In this version I am
A thief of your heart, your voice,
Your freedom
And I laugh

Would you like to take a ride
On this mad roller cart
Careening, cavorting, free-wheeling
Into stars
And I lie

Please come with me
This time I’ll be
A friend, a lover, a heartbeat,
A demon
And you’re mine

Do I Dance?

Do I dance
Sparkle? Shine?
Do I wonder if you mind?
Does it burn to see me happy
I can’t knock me down to meet you
Come up to me!
I’ll hold you here
I’ll banish your cloudy skies – I will – I’ll try.
What if I move to the side
If I’m not in a spotlight would you feel alright
If I could be happy?
I don’t want to leave you there in your dark
I can’t see within you – I can’t find the light
Where do we go now – you in your world, me in mine?
Do I crawl?
Writhe, strain?
Do I need to know your pain?
Can you share part of the joy here
I can’t pull you up can you climb
Come up to me!
I’ll keep you here
I’ll crush whatever harms you – I will – I’ll fight
What if I banish the night?
If we’re both in sunshine would you be mine
Could you be happy?
I can’t stand to see you there in your pain
I don’t seem to change you – change your mind
What can I say now – would you believe my lies?
Do I dance
Should I try
Would the world keep on turning, your love for me keep burning
Or did it go out with the night, with your light

Crumble

How to share what I can’t explain
The nightmare begins again
Alone
I wish it was easy to understand
I don’t need you to be everything
But I need you, to feel whole
You remind me to be ME
You make me real
I hid behind my wall of ice
But you walked me out and made me feel
You brought me magic and
Then whisked away the floor
I want you to hold me and tell me
That I’m not really
Alone again
Anymore

Finding Me

The day I ran away
I breathed again and cried
Gypsy free, I let it go, I fled
Leaving home and faith and all behind
And followed myself
Over road and mountain
Ending up instead with who I ran from
And home was not my battlefield
Never was at all

Thunder

Clearer in anguish, the tearing grows songs
Missing bears fruits unnamed terror makes strong
Heartbeat is empty and breath wastes its space
Comfort evades every small hiding place
Emoting can’t triumph in battles of care
Enduring worthwhile though, if ever I dare
Distressing abounds and I fear and I quake
Crashing, and dashing the pieces I break
Put all parts together, and binding it tight
When bits are in order still not so quite right
Fit along, bracing in spite of the strain
Just imagine when we can both dance in the rain

Tread softly

There’s a strange kind of beauty in doing things wrong
Water wears canyons deep,
Rips them asunder, maims them,
ruins them strong
Redwood falls in the forest and nobody hears
But little things burrowing
find haven inside, find home
calming fears
cutting deep, rot the trunk rob the space, mulch it in
offer seedlings a chance to thrive
someday to tower, lean, shade
send leaves spinning to earth, shades of red
pad the pathway, and I tread
oh so softly, gratefuly, hand in hand
breathe gently, don’t upset the balance
don’t fall. Don’t ever fall
but do things wrong sometimes.
Once in a while.